Wow... It's been a while!

So, it’s been a few months since my last post! A lot has changed since summer. Mainly, I am no longer all-consumed with trying to get pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, having another baby is definitely a HUGE hope of mine, but the waiting, and if you want to get right down to it, obsessing, was leading me to a place where I don’t want to be! I just can’t put all of my energy into that right now; it’s not good for me. The disappointment just got to be too much to take, so I needed to break away from it all for a while. So rather than continuing that path, I’ve spent the past several months really putting myself out there into other ventures and finding more positive things to keep my mind occupied. It worked! I’m now pretty busy with other things, things I never imagined doing, and I’m feeling more and more fulfilled as time goes by.

There is a still an empty spot that I would love to be filled by a new little person, and I truly believe that it will happen when the time is right. I feel like baby is waiting for me to do take care of all the things that need to be taken care of before he/she makes an appearance, and I am content with that!

I'm hoping the coming new year continues to bring about more positive change in my life and I'll just keep on riding the waves :)

Making the most out of waiting

It’s been a little bit since I last posted a real entry. It’s funny too, if you look at my last entry about the puppy dream. The interpretation of that dream was as I took it was that basically my goal was going to take more time to develop. That is turning out to be true, so it seems.

Before I update on my fertility/TTC situation, let me also add this little goodie. I did my tarot cards the other night. Turned out to be a very interesting reading. Without going into every little detail, the reading basically said this- Cards that described disappointments in the past. Check. My current state regarding the situation was the hangman, which basically means that I am in suspended animation with little progress towards my goals. Check. First of the future was the Empress revered, which can mean difficulty with fertility and pregnancy. Check. That part came true just a few days later, which I will go into in just a minute. Back to the cards, not super positive yet. Buuuuut… the cards leading up to the outcome get better. I can’t remember the exact cards I got and I’m too lazy to find my tarot journal :p but they led me to believe that with some patience, hard work, and time that there would be reason to celebrate, especially in regards to child and pregnancy related situations. So, I’m hanging on to hope for the time being.

As for the fertility problems. My cycle has been getting more and more wacky over the last several months. I recently had some blood work done which came back with high prolactin, which could be causing the ovulation & luteal phase issues that I recently discovered I’m having. I have to go in for an MRI to check for a pituitary tumor that could be the cause of the elevated prolactin. So right now, I am definitely in suspended animation, just waiting to see what happens and what I need to do to get things in order so I can hopefully (Goddess willing) be able to conceive in the future. Hopefully the not too distant future.

I’m not going to waste this time though, however long it may be. I’m taking advantage of it to get myself as healthy as possible. Keeping up with exercise, yoga, meditation, my spiritual well being, and of course eating well. In fact, I just started the green smoothie challenge which you can find out about here.

Other than that, now I just wait and hope and pray!!

Vitamix Giveaway

Wow!!!

http://jessiehawkins.com/?p=89&cpage=44


My luck has been pretty "blah" lately, but I'm still going to keep my fingers crossed for this! How cool would it be to win a vitamix!

Puppies

I personally believe that a person’s dreams can offer a great deal of insight. I’ve always had very vivid, detailed dreams. I have many that I can remember on a nightly basis. Sometimes they seem random, sometimes I can find very obvious messages. Some stand out more than others, even if they don’t seem to make much sense at first thought.

One of the dreams I can remember from last night really stuck with me when I woke up this morning. Well, one particular part anyway.

I was at this place, which I am not even certain what kind of place, or why I was there… It wasn’t a home. There were many people there… Maybe it was a business of some sort. Anyway, I digress…So, the dream seemed to take place over several days. There was a man there that I seemed to know somehow, and day after day he brought in this litter of newborn puppies. They were white with black spots :) One day he brought them in and seemed distraught. Something about someone wanting to take the puppies away from him. He said something that stuck out to me… He said he would rather they all die than to have them be taken away :( I told him that I would take them and care for them, to which he seemed pleased. After that, my dream faded into something else entirely. I haven’t put it all together yet, but I’ll give it some more thought.
So, the puppies. The interpretation of a litter of puppies in a dream is-

Seeing a litter of newborn puppies in your dream, is indicative of the amount of time that an idea has been developing or will take to develop. Look to the number of puppies to give you that approximate amount of time.

Imagining the image of the puppies in my mind now, I would say there were 8-10.

To me, this dream seems pretty obvious. I’ve been considering just giving up on trying to have a baby. The man talking about the puppies dying feels like me wanting to give this whole thing up. Sometimes I feel like I’d rather choose to forget about having a baby, rather than trying and not being able to, like I fear could happen. I’d rather be the one to “let it die” than to have it taken from me. But in my dream, I offered to take the puppies and care for them, so I feel like I just need to give it more time and put more care into the whole process.

My seeds were planted when I decided to start on this path, now I just have to be patient and wait for germination. Just because I'm not seeing results yet, doesn't mean there isn't a whole lot of growth going on under then surface. I can't give up now.

Three of swords

It’s funny how 1 simple thing can bring upon major self reflection.

I dread reading my tarot cards lately because I take everything so negatively. I see something that’s less than positive and it’s immediate doom and gloom.

Despite trying so hard to stay positive and hopeful, my pessimism comes bubbling back up to the surface. I always drift back to the possibility that my heart will always be broken. I’ll never be fully healed. I’ll never have a chance to make things right. My heart will never heal, and my neither will my body. I’ll never be blessed with new life again. My dreams will go unfulfilled.
I hate thinking that way, but the fear is always there, hiding underneath the hope that I try so hard to keep alive. With every month that goes by without the life that I so desperately wish to create, the fear rears its ugly head again, and again, and again…

Back to the card. I got the three of swords in the outcome position. Of course I was hoping to see something positive in that spot, something that would tell me that my dreams will come true and there will joy and celebration, and when I see the three swords piercing the heart, my own heart sinks. It looks terrible at first glance, and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear right now after 3, going on 4 months of let down, but after really reflecting upon the meaning it becomes SO obvious that I can’t deny what it means for me, or that it could be, no, it IS, a very positive thing for me to realize.

One description-

The traditional keyword for this card is sorrow. A woman stands in the rain on a dark night, holding a red rose over her heart. A figure, illuminated by the lamplight, hurries out of her life. The three of swords symbolized great sorrow; it is usually rooted in the past and is not yet resolved. The red rose is symbolic of love; her sorrow has a strong emotional background. When the three of sword s appears in a spread, it is time to grieve and allow the rain to wash away the tears of yesterday. The rain is cleansing and offers renewal. The three of swords is a creative card in that is symbolizes the release the painful memories.

I thought I was ready. I thought I was healed enough to move forward with trying for a baby again, but the more I really look at things, the more I realize that maybe I still have some healing to do. Though I must say that I take comfort in the fact that the three of swords was the outcome. It tells me that I can heal from this.

I need to open myself back up. I was open, for a bit, but I think that the stress of wanting this to happen so badly has had the opposite effect that I wanted it to have and I've become closed off to any way but my own way.

I’m not sure what the next step is, but I have faith that it will come to me if I let go of my need to control this whole process and listen for the answers; watch for a sign... Just be, and wait for this all to unfold the way it's supposed to.

Allowing things to just be can be so hard, but I know that it is the right path for me to take right now.

I <3 cod liver oil!

I’ve been taking cod liver oil for a few weeks now and I am absolutely in love with the stuff! Seriously. I feel GREAT! I had absolutely NO PMS this month. No usual skin freak out, no cramps, no breast pain, no moodiness, no crying over a dog food commercial, lol. And I feel really good mentally, outside of PMS stuff. I often feel quite down in the dumps & anxious, so this is a nice change.

I had been taking an Omega 3-6-9, which was good, I noticed a difference, but nothing as dramatic and fast acting as the CLO. This is totally my new favorite supplement! Love it!

Try, fail, repeat

My period started. I was very hopeful this month, then she came, but that doesn’t mean my hope is gone. I’m not going to see the arrival of my reds as a disappointment but rather a new beginning. That’s all a women’s period is anyway, a fresh start of a new cycle that brings the possibility of life! Try, fail repeat, until we don’t fail! I have faith that there is a plan and it will work out the way it’s meant to when the time is right. I’m trying my best to be patient while it all unfolds.

Other than that, I’m going to try to expand my horizons a bit here. In life, on this blog, all around.

This trying to conceive business has become almost all consuming. I feel like I’m putting FAR too much of my energy into it and it’s draining me. I need to start thinking outside of that box. Instead of TTC being central to everything else, it needs to be one small part. So this month I’m going to get back on track with my life, my WHOLE life, not just the obsession (and yes, that’s what I feel it’s become) of creating new life. This means focusing more on the things that I’ve allowed to fall into the background.

My spirituality, first and foremost. For me, it makes no sense to go into something as huge as trying to create new life without spiritual support, so I need to make more time for that.
Meditation, yoga, exercise, being more creative… Those are the main things that have been lacking in my life; the very things that feel my soul and relieve the stress of life!

So starting this very moment, my energy is going to be put into more positive, enriching endeavors. I am still very much invested in getting pregnant, but I need to make it a more positive experience and let go of the pressure.

Hope, healing & baby things.

I went out shopping today with my husband and son and ended up buying this adorable little stuffed elephant. Right when I saw it called out to me and I felt like I just had to get it for “the baby.” The baby that may not even be in me yet, though I’m hoping like crazy that he/she is! Getting ready to burrow on in and stay for 9 months :) Anyway, so we bought the elephant and put “To: Baby L to-be, From: Mama & Daddy”. It’s a sweet gesture of hope and a HUGE step for me in terms of my feelings and instincts and being able to heal from losing our daughter.

With my last pregnancy, our Daughter that we lost, I NEVER felt right about things at all. I didn’t feel right when we were trying, and getting my positive didn’t change any of my negative feelings. Of course I wanted the baby like crazy, but I never thought she was meant to be, yet I still couldn’t not try for her, for some reason. Well, I take that back… she was meant to be, just not meant to stay. I always knew that. All conversations regarding the baby were “if things work out and we have the baby, we’ll do this”… things like that. And buying baby things? Forget it! I started buying baby things for my son pretty much the day I found out I was pregnant! I had no negative feelings, no fear beyond first time pregnancy/baby concerns, I just knew it was right and couldn’t wait to buy things! But last time, I couldn’t bring myself to bond with the baby by getting excited and thinking ahead, as I know it just wasn’t going to happen, unfortunately :(

So that brings me back to the elephant. I saw it, felt like I needed it for my “baby to be” and I got it without hesitation or “what if?” thoughts… It just feels right! I mean, I still have fears… Will I be able to get pregnant again at all? Carry to term? I can’t help but feel that way to an extent, not just because I’ve lost a baby, but because I think ALL women have some at least some worries about something so huge. But beyond that, I just feel really good and positive and I can feel that there is this new life just waiting to join us, and soon hopefully! We're ready whenever you are! :)

6? 5? 4? 3? 2? 1 days past ovulation? 0? !!!

So I’m on day 21 of my cycle, ??? DPO… I really don’t have a clue. I ovulated somewhere between the 6th to now? If at all? I don’t know! lol I’ve been sick, and my body seemed to keep changing its mind, so I’m kind of in the fog. I don’t temp, though it would have been pointless this month anyway (sick, fever…) and I don’t pee on sticks unless I think I may be pregnant :p So who knows? I honestly don’t even care much either. I.am.just.zen :D Taking it one day at a time, and if I start then I start and if I don’t, then woohoo! :) Of course I’m hoping like crazy for the latter, but I realize that driving myself insane waiting is not going to do me any good.

This month would be awesome though, for many reasons. Lots of 3s (my number :)) not to mention it’d be a great father’s day gift to DH! :) And then this-

*copied from my MDC post because I’m too lazy to type it again ;p

Super strange dream

So I had the oddest dream last night. I hesitate to even post it, because if it is just some silly, random brain concoction then I’ll feel pretty *insert embarrassed smilie here* if/when AF shows... but whatever! It made me feel happy and hopeful and there's nothing wrong with that, right?

Anyway, I was a private investigator in some other galaxy lol I know, right? And this group of human-like aliens hired me to solve some mystery/crime that happened. They already had a suspect, so I went to question her. When I got there, she put her hand on my forehead and DH was suddenly there. She said "he doesn't know about the baby yet, does he?" I said "neither do I, it's too early to know" and she said "well, you are pregnant, and it's a boy, he is in there now". And I was just flooded with happiness... and I didn't question her about the crime! lol...

Super weird, right? I haven't really had any pregnancy related dreams for a while, so I woke up feeling pretty neat. If I really do turn out to be pregnant this month, that dream will end up being pretty awesome!

As a funny side note, when I told DH, he said maybe the aliens who gave me DS are just letting me know that they've given me another one DS thinks he's from another planet :P

I usually pay pretty close attention to my dreams, and I’m pretty hopeful about this particular one, but trying not to be *too* hopeful, just in case it’s totally random brain craziness.

Oh yeah, and like a couple of the ladies on there said in response, it'll make for a really neat "I first knew I was pregnant" entry in a baby book if I am indeed pregnant! Totally true! lol

Hello June!

Not much to say today, just that I am happy May is over! I’m entering month 3 of TTC with a totally new, RELAXED attitude. Things turned too business like for me last month and that is soooo far from how I want things, so I’m just chilling out a bit now. I just want to enjoy my husband and be connected with him, no stress, no pressure. When we conceive it will be out of our love, not out of any craziness.

*still keeping fingers crossed though* :)

Month 3, day 1

AF graced me with her presence today and while I’m slightly bummed that I’m not pregnant this month, I’m also pretty relieved. I’ve been stressing out way too much over getting pregnant quickly and I just really don’t want things to be so pressured. I don’t want to conceive a life in a situation that’s so unpeaceful or negative in any way! This is supposed to be a labor of love, not stress! But I guess that because I’ve gotten pregnant SO easily in the past (2 months & 1 month) that I assumed it would happen quickly this time as well. It still may, 3 months is still early, and it may not! I just don’t like how business like it’s been so far and I want to avoid that. I believe that’s part of the reason I have gotten pregnant so easily in the past, because it wasn’t a huge deal! So, I’m going to take it down a few notches now and just enjoy the process while hoping for this best!

Whatever is meant to be will happen when the time is right!

Come on period!

Not something one would expect to hear while trying for a baby, I know, but I reaaaaally don’t think that I’m pregnant this month and I just want to get on to month 3! I’m on day 30 of a cycle that can range between 29 & 31, so it’ll be soon now, hopefully.

I tested again tonight, just in case, negative as I expected. And it sucks too, because even though it was expected, it’s still pretty disappointing. There’s always that little “maybe” hope. But anyway, I’m either not pregnant this month (most likely scenario), or I ovulated MUCH later than I thought. And I don’t even know when I ovulated this month, things have been a little crazy, probably due to me making them crazy with my own craziness!

So here’s the plan for cycle 3-

Number 1 and most important… CHILL OUT. Seriously. I’ve been stressing and obsessing far too much about this. But after a loss, it’s hard not to. I just really want to get this part over with so I can move on to the really worrisome part, 9 months of praying the little one will come out safe and sound! It’s really nerve-wracking, which I know is so not good for my body or spirit, so I’m going to try very hard this month and for however many months it may take this time to take it easy and not stress about it. That means more time focusing on my spiritual health, as well as physical. Mainly getting back on track with my yoga and exercise routine which I’ve been lagging on since moving. But not as strenuous as I had been doing over the past several months. Just enough to reap the health benefits and more importantly the stress reduction! Not so much to drop weight like I had been doing.
Some other things I’m adding this cycle-

Green tea and Fertilitea. Couldn’t hurt, right? I could use a boost in my fertile mucus, so I’ll be trying the teas along with carrot juice and I’m still debating on mucinex… But I’m not so sure about that yet. We’ll see.

Lots of baby dancing, of course. The fun part.

Good food, relaxation, hopefully some fun and I’ll go from there!

More weirdness...and waiting...

10 days dpo. Or maybe 4??? I’m so confused lately with my cycle lately!

Let’s see. I had light pink spotting on cycle day 13 with EWCM until the 14. So I am assuming that I ovulated on day 14. I could be totally wrong though, my cycle is a little wacky as of last month. Getting shorter, new PMS symptoms, things like that… I think my lack of the more strenuous exercise that I had been doing is changing things up… But anyway, we baby danced on the right days, even though I wasn’t expecting ovulation until closer to day 16 or 17. Whatever. Then, on day 21 I woke up with menstrual like cramps, not one sided like my normal ovulation type pain, so immediately I got excited about the possibly of implantation! But I also had EWCM ??? So I didn’t entirely count out late ovulation.

Then I wait…. And wait. And now here I am, possibly at 10dpo. I couldn’t resist testing so I did this morning with FMU. BFN :( It’s still early, I know, so I’m not out yet… and I could have my dates all wrong anyway. I usually have a 31 day cycle, so I’d be way early for that. But I had a 29 day cycle last month, so I don’t know how things are going to go. I’ve been crampy on and off since the cramping on day 21 though… I feel like my reds will be here any moment, which is so early for me to feel this way! Typically I don’t start cramping until EXACTLY the day before AF is due, but with all the other cycle changes, I’m not counting on my usual symptoms right now to tell me anything!

I’m not all that hopeful at the moment but then again, with my last two pregnancies I didn’t feel very hopeful either that I was actually pregnant! lol

We’ll see soon enough I guess!

2 week wait version 2.0 ;)

So here we are, month 2 of officially trying to conceive, and my second 2 week wait. I didn’t get to post during last month’s 2ww as my computer died and I only just got a new one this week… but anyway, here I am :)

I could have sworn I caught the egg last month as I had breast tenderness (not a pms symptom for me but definitely a pregnancy symptom) and tingly, hot nipples… but nope! My reds found me, 2 days earlier than usual no less. Negative tests from about day 10 until after my period, which I continued to take just to be sure I wasn’t actually pregnant as the breast pain did not let up at all during af! And didn’t for another week or so!

My own personal theory on that is that the bit of milk that I STILL have from my last pregnancy is finally drying up and causing some symptoms, but I am also a little worried about some sort of hormonal imbalance. That would be just my luck. Periods you can set a clock by for the last year+ and no issues (that I know of anyway) and then once we really start TTC, things get wacky! *sigh* But I’m trying not to worry about it right now, and I’m staying hopeful. Oh yeah, and to add to the weirdness, I am pretty sure I ovulated on day 14 this month, which is early for me, so my cycle is obviously changing. Maybe because of changes in my exercise routine, or maybe something else. I don’t know.

Anyway, cycle weirdness aside, we still managed to baby dance on the right days, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

I really cannot wait to be pregnant! And I’m so curious to see when it happens for me, as it took 2 months with my son and 1 month with my little one we lost… I’m hoping soon of course :D

Working through all the “stuff”

I am so full of mixed feelings today. In fact, the closer I get to being pregnant, the more craziness ensues. I don’t expect it to be easy, I never did…

Today’s emotion of the day: Guilt & sadness! But not for me, but all the other women who have lost their precious little ones, especially the ones whose pain is still so fresh. It’s been 16 months for me. I can still remember the pain of losing my daughter like it was yesterday, but I can honestly say I am now fully at peace with it. And dare I say, I am even happy these days! Optimistic! I am currently in my fertile phase of the month, ovulation just a couple of days away, and we’ve thrown all caution to the wind and are just waiting to see what the universe has in store for us. I feel good, positive and I honestly believe things will work out. I’m staying hopeful no matter what because it’s keeping me sane! Anyway, that’s where I’m at right now…

But then I read about woman who have recently lost their little ones, it’s so fresh for them, and my heart breaks for them. Here I am, feeling healed and refreshed and excited about the possibility of a new life in my womb and hopefully in my arms, and there they are grieving the loss of their babies. I was there, not long ago, and now I am here… I know, it’s a good thing to feel better! It’s good for my body and my spirit, but I still feel so terrible for the women who are in it, right now, and will be for some time. I hate that anyone has to go through that kind of pain at all, ever! And what can I do anyway? Offer the same words, I’m so sorry for your loss… and wish them peace and strength and healing, it seems so worthless! But it’s not, I know that, because I was on the receiving end of those words at one point and they really did mean something. But now it just feels so odd, to be happy again and excited… And when I do get pregnant, and have the anticipation of my little ones arrival, hoping and praying that I won’t have to ever relive the pain of losing a baby again, while trying to offer comfort to those that are… I don’t know, it all feels so… odd. It’s so hard to explain.

I know this is just the beginning of what’s to be a crazy journey full of every emotion possible! From now, trying to make a new life… to finding out I’m pregnant, to waiting those long 9 months… Sorting through all of the mixed emotions in my mind. *sigh*

Anyway, today my thoughts and prayers are with all the woman who are members of the club that we all wish nobody ever had to join… I wish all you peace and healing and most of all, hope!

Goddess cards

I was going to mention in my previous post, but I think it deserves a post of its own.

I’m a card junkie… Tarot cards, Goddess Cards, Angel Cards, any kind of divination tool really! I’ve been getting really good ones lately; lots of starting a family, good health, things working out related things… Though last night, when I was still a little on the fence about trying now, I got such an awesome card and I’ll admit, it kind of sealed the deal for me! It was the Goddess Card, Aine. In short, because I'm too lazy to type it all out, it means-


Goddess Aine - Leap of faith- Take a risk and put your heart’s true desire into action. Procrastinating about your dreams won’t make them go away. Neither will it make them happen. Make a decision and then the universal doors will open and help you attain your goals.

Sometimes we all need to just take that leap of faith. When you are ready call on the Goddess Aine she will help lead your way!! Indecision leads to stagnation and that leads to our souls not perfecting. We all need to keep moving, learning, growing and allowing our soul to perfect and become all that we can be.

Take your leap of faith today!!!
May the love of the Goddess be with you always!

So we decided…

That we’re just going to jump in with both feet and see what happens, NOW! Well, in a couple of weeks! April's egg will be fair game :D

My Blood pressure has been pretty good at home, so I’m feeling good about that. I still have to talk to my midwife about it, but I’m not anticipating any issues.

The weight thing… Well, I’m still not entirely pleased with how much I weigh right now, but I’ve been losing, and continue to lose, and will do so until I get my BFP. I feel stronger and more fit, so, it’s not a huge issue for me anymore. I plan to stay active during pregnancy and of course eat as well as possible, so hopefully I’ll be able to stay fit! Then I’ll worry about losing the rest of the weight post baby. And of course I’ll have the breastfeeding metabolism to help, as long as I don’t waste it by stuffing my face like I did when my son was nursing! lol

I feel good now though, very optimistic! So, we’ll see what happens!

Wish me luck!!!

Should we? Or shouldn't we?

Throw out the condoms! That's the question of the day.

I’m on cycle day 3 right now… Ovulation is due around April 9. I am debating on whether or not to say screw it this cycle and let nature take her course. The original plan was June, and then it was May or June, and now I’m having a hard time waiting that long. I know, it’s only a couple of months, but that’s almost an eternity when you really want something! Something that is so close you can almost touch it!

So… should I? Or not? My heart is not telling me no, I have no negative feelings of doom and gloom (unless you count me not being entirely happy with my weight yet) it really feels right, but maybe that is just my impatience talking (ok, yelling... no...begging!!). I don't know.

Let me think a bit more :)

So I guess today officially marks day number 1...

on my road to TTC, since I saw my midwife and made it “official” that yes, I will be trying for a baby again at some point in the not so distant future.

I mean, yeah, I’ve been working on bettering myself mentally as well as physically for the past few months for a few reasons, the main one being for pregnancy, but now that I’ve had my “pre-conception” check and told my midwife that I’m intending to get pregnant again (Goddess willing!), it feels a lot more real.

The appointment was a good one. I felt a little guilty that I took up over an hour of my midwife’s time with all my questions and concerns, but I guess that’s what she is there for! And she is great! If she was irritated, she does a good job at hiding it :)

Medical stuff aside, it was a little weird being there. The last time I saw my midwife was at my 6 week postpartum check after losing the baby. Of course this visit was a lot more positive and hopeful, but still, a lot of memories came flooding back. I’m praying that my future visits there will be positive as well!

Now on to the medical- We went over all of the old test results from my loss again. There was a lot… blood sugar, thyroid, infectious diseases, blooding clotting issues, and so on… All normal, so it appears that I’m good to go on that front. The main issue as of now, which is not a surprise to me, is my blood pressure. I’ve had “white coat hypertension” since I was a teenager, and it can get high at home as well when I’m anxious and stressed out. It isn’t a huge issue right now, but we’re going to look into it some more before I get pregnant this time. So the plan there is to have me monitor at home for a bit, and then bring my results into the office. Also, next time I go in, I’ll bring my cuff and monitor so they can compare it to theirs.

Also, I’m to take another 24 hour urine collection (yay! Fun stuff :p) for a baseline number before I’m pregnant. We did this before I lost the baby last time, and that was normal, so we’ll see what it says this time. And then we go from there!

So while I wait for the all clear, I’m going to keep at my routine. Exercise (stationary bike, walking, strength training and yoga), stress reduction, meditation, reconnecting with my spiritual side, prenatal vitamins, probiotics, healthy diet, and optimism!

*crossing fingers* for smooth sailing from here!

Ok, so here we go!

The purpose of this new blog, besides being my little outlet on the web to ramble about whatever, will probably mostly end up being for…

Drum roll please…

My TTC and pregnancy journey!

It has been over a year since we lost our beautiful little one, http://siodhachan-silas.blogspot.com, and I am finally ready for the prospect of being pregnant again.


The grieving process took a long time. Despite feeling at peace with my loss right away, because I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that my pregnancy loss was necessary for my own personal growth, it took me a long time to get where I am now.

I felt so much anger towards certain people in my life for making things so difficult for me during my pregnancy, and then the subsequent bitterness towards those same people who made my loss seem like “no big deal” “it happens, get over it already!” I went back and forth for a long time on whether or not I even wanted to try again, EVER! And then during the times I felt like I did in fact want to try again, I still had so much bitterness and resentment that I could not possibly justify allowing an innocent being to be brought into my body with so much unresolved negativity. I just couldn’t, regardless of my own wants.

Anyway, back to now. I have finally let go of all of that! I’ve taken huge steps in getting my stress levels down, which is what I personally believed caused the death of my baby. Uncontrolled stress led to high blood pressure which led to… well, whatever was the exact cause of death, which we will never know for sure.

But, I’m feeling good now. Optimistic about things. Of course I still have what I think are “normal” concerns and worries. Is there something wrong with me that was missed? Will I be able to get pregnant easily again like the last 2 times? Then what? That sort of thing. But all in all, I have a good feeling, so I’m going to run with it. And whatever happens, happens! I’m prepared for the worst but hoping for the best, which is a healthy, happy baby (and mom!).

So when do I start?!?! :D

Well, first off I am seeing my midwife tomorrow. I’ll have my check up, ask my questions, and then I’ll go from there. If everything goes well, Goddess willing, then I’m hoping to stop using birth control (just condoms) as early as April!!

And until then, I’ll just continue doing what I’ve been doing. Eating as healthy as possible, taking my supplements, working out, walking, yoga, meditation, and just working hard at being happy, healthy and as stress free as possible!

Wish me luck! :)

Testing, testing 1...2...3...

Pretty self explanatory, no? :)

More depth, coming soon to a blog (this one!) near you.