Three of swords

It’s funny how 1 simple thing can bring upon major self reflection.

I dread reading my tarot cards lately because I take everything so negatively. I see something that’s less than positive and it’s immediate doom and gloom.

Despite trying so hard to stay positive and hopeful, my pessimism comes bubbling back up to the surface. I always drift back to the possibility that my heart will always be broken. I’ll never be fully healed. I’ll never have a chance to make things right. My heart will never heal, and my neither will my body. I’ll never be blessed with new life again. My dreams will go unfulfilled.
I hate thinking that way, but the fear is always there, hiding underneath the hope that I try so hard to keep alive. With every month that goes by without the life that I so desperately wish to create, the fear rears its ugly head again, and again, and again…

Back to the card. I got the three of swords in the outcome position. Of course I was hoping to see something positive in that spot, something that would tell me that my dreams will come true and there will joy and celebration, and when I see the three swords piercing the heart, my own heart sinks. It looks terrible at first glance, and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear right now after 3, going on 4 months of let down, but after really reflecting upon the meaning it becomes SO obvious that I can’t deny what it means for me, or that it could be, no, it IS, a very positive thing for me to realize.

One description-

The traditional keyword for this card is sorrow. A woman stands in the rain on a dark night, holding a red rose over her heart. A figure, illuminated by the lamplight, hurries out of her life. The three of swords symbolized great sorrow; it is usually rooted in the past and is not yet resolved. The red rose is symbolic of love; her sorrow has a strong emotional background. When the three of sword s appears in a spread, it is time to grieve and allow the rain to wash away the tears of yesterday. The rain is cleansing and offers renewal. The three of swords is a creative card in that is symbolizes the release the painful memories.

I thought I was ready. I thought I was healed enough to move forward with trying for a baby again, but the more I really look at things, the more I realize that maybe I still have some healing to do. Though I must say that I take comfort in the fact that the three of swords was the outcome. It tells me that I can heal from this.

I need to open myself back up. I was open, for a bit, but I think that the stress of wanting this to happen so badly has had the opposite effect that I wanted it to have and I've become closed off to any way but my own way.

I’m not sure what the next step is, but I have faith that it will come to me if I let go of my need to control this whole process and listen for the answers; watch for a sign... Just be, and wait for this all to unfold the way it's supposed to.

Allowing things to just be can be so hard, but I know that it is the right path for me to take right now.