Working through all the “stuff”

I am so full of mixed feelings today. In fact, the closer I get to being pregnant, the more craziness ensues. I don’t expect it to be easy, I never did…

Today’s emotion of the day: Guilt & sadness! But not for me, but all the other women who have lost their precious little ones, especially the ones whose pain is still so fresh. It’s been 16 months for me. I can still remember the pain of losing my daughter like it was yesterday, but I can honestly say I am now fully at peace with it. And dare I say, I am even happy these days! Optimistic! I am currently in my fertile phase of the month, ovulation just a couple of days away, and we’ve thrown all caution to the wind and are just waiting to see what the universe has in store for us. I feel good, positive and I honestly believe things will work out. I’m staying hopeful no matter what because it’s keeping me sane! Anyway, that’s where I’m at right now…

But then I read about woman who have recently lost their little ones, it’s so fresh for them, and my heart breaks for them. Here I am, feeling healed and refreshed and excited about the possibility of a new life in my womb and hopefully in my arms, and there they are grieving the loss of their babies. I was there, not long ago, and now I am here… I know, it’s a good thing to feel better! It’s good for my body and my spirit, but I still feel so terrible for the women who are in it, right now, and will be for some time. I hate that anyone has to go through that kind of pain at all, ever! And what can I do anyway? Offer the same words, I’m so sorry for your loss… and wish them peace and strength and healing, it seems so worthless! But it’s not, I know that, because I was on the receiving end of those words at one point and they really did mean something. But now it just feels so odd, to be happy again and excited… And when I do get pregnant, and have the anticipation of my little ones arrival, hoping and praying that I won’t have to ever relive the pain of losing a baby again, while trying to offer comfort to those that are… I don’t know, it all feels so… odd. It’s so hard to explain.

I know this is just the beginning of what’s to be a crazy journey full of every emotion possible! From now, trying to make a new life… to finding out I’m pregnant, to waiting those long 9 months… Sorting through all of the mixed emotions in my mind. *sigh*

Anyway, today my thoughts and prayers are with all the woman who are members of the club that we all wish nobody ever had to join… I wish all you peace and healing and most of all, hope!