Hope, healing & baby things.

I went out shopping today with my husband and son and ended up buying this adorable little stuffed elephant. Right when I saw it called out to me and I felt like I just had to get it for “the baby.” The baby that may not even be in me yet, though I’m hoping like crazy that he/she is! Getting ready to burrow on in and stay for 9 months :) Anyway, so we bought the elephant and put “To: Baby L to-be, From: Mama & Daddy”. It’s a sweet gesture of hope and a HUGE step for me in terms of my feelings and instincts and being able to heal from losing our daughter.

With my last pregnancy, our Daughter that we lost, I NEVER felt right about things at all. I didn’t feel right when we were trying, and getting my positive didn’t change any of my negative feelings. Of course I wanted the baby like crazy, but I never thought she was meant to be, yet I still couldn’t not try for her, for some reason. Well, I take that back… she was meant to be, just not meant to stay. I always knew that. All conversations regarding the baby were “if things work out and we have the baby, we’ll do this”… things like that. And buying baby things? Forget it! I started buying baby things for my son pretty much the day I found out I was pregnant! I had no negative feelings, no fear beyond first time pregnancy/baby concerns, I just knew it was right and couldn’t wait to buy things! But last time, I couldn’t bring myself to bond with the baby by getting excited and thinking ahead, as I know it just wasn’t going to happen, unfortunately :(

So that brings me back to the elephant. I saw it, felt like I needed it for my “baby to be” and I got it without hesitation or “what if?” thoughts… It just feels right! I mean, I still have fears… Will I be able to get pregnant again at all? Carry to term? I can’t help but feel that way to an extent, not just because I’ve lost a baby, but because I think ALL women have some at least some worries about something so huge. But beyond that, I just feel really good and positive and I can feel that there is this new life just waiting to join us, and soon hopefully! We're ready whenever you are! :)

Working through all the “stuff”

I am so full of mixed feelings today. In fact, the closer I get to being pregnant, the more craziness ensues. I don’t expect it to be easy, I never did…

Today’s emotion of the day: Guilt & sadness! But not for me, but all the other women who have lost their precious little ones, especially the ones whose pain is still so fresh. It’s been 16 months for me. I can still remember the pain of losing my daughter like it was yesterday, but I can honestly say I am now fully at peace with it. And dare I say, I am even happy these days! Optimistic! I am currently in my fertile phase of the month, ovulation just a couple of days away, and we’ve thrown all caution to the wind and are just waiting to see what the universe has in store for us. I feel good, positive and I honestly believe things will work out. I’m staying hopeful no matter what because it’s keeping me sane! Anyway, that’s where I’m at right now…

But then I read about woman who have recently lost their little ones, it’s so fresh for them, and my heart breaks for them. Here I am, feeling healed and refreshed and excited about the possibility of a new life in my womb and hopefully in my arms, and there they are grieving the loss of their babies. I was there, not long ago, and now I am here… I know, it’s a good thing to feel better! It’s good for my body and my spirit, but I still feel so terrible for the women who are in it, right now, and will be for some time. I hate that anyone has to go through that kind of pain at all, ever! And what can I do anyway? Offer the same words, I’m so sorry for your loss… and wish them peace and strength and healing, it seems so worthless! But it’s not, I know that, because I was on the receiving end of those words at one point and they really did mean something. But now it just feels so odd, to be happy again and excited… And when I do get pregnant, and have the anticipation of my little ones arrival, hoping and praying that I won’t have to ever relive the pain of losing a baby again, while trying to offer comfort to those that are… I don’t know, it all feels so… odd. It’s so hard to explain.

I know this is just the beginning of what’s to be a crazy journey full of every emotion possible! From now, trying to make a new life… to finding out I’m pregnant, to waiting those long 9 months… Sorting through all of the mixed emotions in my mind. *sigh*

Anyway, today my thoughts and prayers are with all the woman who are members of the club that we all wish nobody ever had to join… I wish all you peace and healing and most of all, hope!

So I guess today officially marks day number 1...

on my road to TTC, since I saw my midwife and made it “official” that yes, I will be trying for a baby again at some point in the not so distant future.

I mean, yeah, I’ve been working on bettering myself mentally as well as physically for the past few months for a few reasons, the main one being for pregnancy, but now that I’ve had my “pre-conception” check and told my midwife that I’m intending to get pregnant again (Goddess willing!), it feels a lot more real.

The appointment was a good one. I felt a little guilty that I took up over an hour of my midwife’s time with all my questions and concerns, but I guess that’s what she is there for! And she is great! If she was irritated, she does a good job at hiding it :)

Medical stuff aside, it was a little weird being there. The last time I saw my midwife was at my 6 week postpartum check after losing the baby. Of course this visit was a lot more positive and hopeful, but still, a lot of memories came flooding back. I’m praying that my future visits there will be positive as well!

Now on to the medical- We went over all of the old test results from my loss again. There was a lot… blood sugar, thyroid, infectious diseases, blooding clotting issues, and so on… All normal, so it appears that I’m good to go on that front. The main issue as of now, which is not a surprise to me, is my blood pressure. I’ve had “white coat hypertension” since I was a teenager, and it can get high at home as well when I’m anxious and stressed out. It isn’t a huge issue right now, but we’re going to look into it some more before I get pregnant this time. So the plan there is to have me monitor at home for a bit, and then bring my results into the office. Also, next time I go in, I’ll bring my cuff and monitor so they can compare it to theirs.

Also, I’m to take another 24 hour urine collection (yay! Fun stuff :p) for a baseline number before I’m pregnant. We did this before I lost the baby last time, and that was normal, so we’ll see what it says this time. And then we go from there!

So while I wait for the all clear, I’m going to keep at my routine. Exercise (stationary bike, walking, strength training and yoga), stress reduction, meditation, reconnecting with my spiritual side, prenatal vitamins, probiotics, healthy diet, and optimism!

*crossing fingers* for smooth sailing from here!

Ok, so here we go!

The purpose of this new blog, besides being my little outlet on the web to ramble about whatever, will probably mostly end up being for…

Drum roll please…

My TTC and pregnancy journey!

It has been over a year since we lost our beautiful little one, http://siodhachan-silas.blogspot.com, and I am finally ready for the prospect of being pregnant again.


The grieving process took a long time. Despite feeling at peace with my loss right away, because I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that my pregnancy loss was necessary for my own personal growth, it took me a long time to get where I am now.

I felt so much anger towards certain people in my life for making things so difficult for me during my pregnancy, and then the subsequent bitterness towards those same people who made my loss seem like “no big deal” “it happens, get over it already!” I went back and forth for a long time on whether or not I even wanted to try again, EVER! And then during the times I felt like I did in fact want to try again, I still had so much bitterness and resentment that I could not possibly justify allowing an innocent being to be brought into my body with so much unresolved negativity. I just couldn’t, regardless of my own wants.

Anyway, back to now. I have finally let go of all of that! I’ve taken huge steps in getting my stress levels down, which is what I personally believed caused the death of my baby. Uncontrolled stress led to high blood pressure which led to… well, whatever was the exact cause of death, which we will never know for sure.

But, I’m feeling good now. Optimistic about things. Of course I still have what I think are “normal” concerns and worries. Is there something wrong with me that was missed? Will I be able to get pregnant easily again like the last 2 times? Then what? That sort of thing. But all in all, I have a good feeling, so I’m going to run with it. And whatever happens, happens! I’m prepared for the worst but hoping for the best, which is a healthy, happy baby (and mom!).

So when do I start?!?! :D

Well, first off I am seeing my midwife tomorrow. I’ll have my check up, ask my questions, and then I’ll go from there. If everything goes well, Goddess willing, then I’m hoping to stop using birth control (just condoms) as early as April!!

And until then, I’ll just continue doing what I’ve been doing. Eating as healthy as possible, taking my supplements, working out, walking, yoga, meditation, and just working hard at being happy, healthy and as stress free as possible!

Wish me luck! :)