Try, fail, repeat

My period started. I was very hopeful this month, then she came, but that doesn’t mean my hope is gone. I’m not going to see the arrival of my reds as a disappointment but rather a new beginning. That’s all a women’s period is anyway, a fresh start of a new cycle that brings the possibility of life! Try, fail repeat, until we don’t fail! I have faith that there is a plan and it will work out the way it’s meant to when the time is right. I’m trying my best to be patient while it all unfolds.

Other than that, I’m going to try to expand my horizons a bit here. In life, on this blog, all around.

This trying to conceive business has become almost all consuming. I feel like I’m putting FAR too much of my energy into it and it’s draining me. I need to start thinking outside of that box. Instead of TTC being central to everything else, it needs to be one small part. So this month I’m going to get back on track with my life, my WHOLE life, not just the obsession (and yes, that’s what I feel it’s become) of creating new life. This means focusing more on the things that I’ve allowed to fall into the background.

My spirituality, first and foremost. For me, it makes no sense to go into something as huge as trying to create new life without spiritual support, so I need to make more time for that.
Meditation, yoga, exercise, being more creative… Those are the main things that have been lacking in my life; the very things that feel my soul and relieve the stress of life!

So starting this very moment, my energy is going to be put into more positive, enriching endeavors. I am still very much invested in getting pregnant, but I need to make it a more positive experience and let go of the pressure.

Hope, healing & baby things.

I went out shopping today with my husband and son and ended up buying this adorable little stuffed elephant. Right when I saw it called out to me and I felt like I just had to get it for “the baby.” The baby that may not even be in me yet, though I’m hoping like crazy that he/she is! Getting ready to burrow on in and stay for 9 months :) Anyway, so we bought the elephant and put “To: Baby L to-be, From: Mama & Daddy”. It’s a sweet gesture of hope and a HUGE step for me in terms of my feelings and instincts and being able to heal from losing our daughter.

With my last pregnancy, our Daughter that we lost, I NEVER felt right about things at all. I didn’t feel right when we were trying, and getting my positive didn’t change any of my negative feelings. Of course I wanted the baby like crazy, but I never thought she was meant to be, yet I still couldn’t not try for her, for some reason. Well, I take that back… she was meant to be, just not meant to stay. I always knew that. All conversations regarding the baby were “if things work out and we have the baby, we’ll do this”… things like that. And buying baby things? Forget it! I started buying baby things for my son pretty much the day I found out I was pregnant! I had no negative feelings, no fear beyond first time pregnancy/baby concerns, I just knew it was right and couldn’t wait to buy things! But last time, I couldn’t bring myself to bond with the baby by getting excited and thinking ahead, as I know it just wasn’t going to happen, unfortunately :(

So that brings me back to the elephant. I saw it, felt like I needed it for my “baby to be” and I got it without hesitation or “what if?” thoughts… It just feels right! I mean, I still have fears… Will I be able to get pregnant again at all? Carry to term? I can’t help but feel that way to an extent, not just because I’ve lost a baby, but because I think ALL women have some at least some worries about something so huge. But beyond that, I just feel really good and positive and I can feel that there is this new life just waiting to join us, and soon hopefully! We're ready whenever you are! :)

6? 5? 4? 3? 2? 1 days past ovulation? 0? !!!

So I’m on day 21 of my cycle, ??? DPO… I really don’t have a clue. I ovulated somewhere between the 6th to now? If at all? I don’t know! lol I’ve been sick, and my body seemed to keep changing its mind, so I’m kind of in the fog. I don’t temp, though it would have been pointless this month anyway (sick, fever…) and I don’t pee on sticks unless I think I may be pregnant :p So who knows? I honestly don’t even care much either. I.am.just.zen :D Taking it one day at a time, and if I start then I start and if I don’t, then woohoo! :) Of course I’m hoping like crazy for the latter, but I realize that driving myself insane waiting is not going to do me any good.

This month would be awesome though, for many reasons. Lots of 3s (my number :)) not to mention it’d be a great father’s day gift to DH! :) And then this-

*copied from my MDC post because I’m too lazy to type it again ;p

Super strange dream

So I had the oddest dream last night. I hesitate to even post it, because if it is just some silly, random brain concoction then I’ll feel pretty *insert embarrassed smilie here* if/when AF shows... but whatever! It made me feel happy and hopeful and there's nothing wrong with that, right?

Anyway, I was a private investigator in some other galaxy lol I know, right? And this group of human-like aliens hired me to solve some mystery/crime that happened. They already had a suspect, so I went to question her. When I got there, she put her hand on my forehead and DH was suddenly there. She said "he doesn't know about the baby yet, does he?" I said "neither do I, it's too early to know" and she said "well, you are pregnant, and it's a boy, he is in there now". And I was just flooded with happiness... and I didn't question her about the crime! lol...

Super weird, right? I haven't really had any pregnancy related dreams for a while, so I woke up feeling pretty neat. If I really do turn out to be pregnant this month, that dream will end up being pretty awesome!

As a funny side note, when I told DH, he said maybe the aliens who gave me DS are just letting me know that they've given me another one DS thinks he's from another planet :P

I usually pay pretty close attention to my dreams, and I’m pretty hopeful about this particular one, but trying not to be *too* hopeful, just in case it’s totally random brain craziness.

Oh yeah, and like a couple of the ladies on there said in response, it'll make for a really neat "I first knew I was pregnant" entry in a baby book if I am indeed pregnant! Totally true! lol

Hello June!

Not much to say today, just that I am happy May is over! I’m entering month 3 of TTC with a totally new, RELAXED attitude. Things turned too business like for me last month and that is soooo far from how I want things, so I’m just chilling out a bit now. I just want to enjoy my husband and be connected with him, no stress, no pressure. When we conceive it will be out of our love, not out of any craziness.

*still keeping fingers crossed though* :)

Month 3, day 1

AF graced me with her presence today and while I’m slightly bummed that I’m not pregnant this month, I’m also pretty relieved. I’ve been stressing out way too much over getting pregnant quickly and I just really don’t want things to be so pressured. I don’t want to conceive a life in a situation that’s so unpeaceful or negative in any way! This is supposed to be a labor of love, not stress! But I guess that because I’ve gotten pregnant SO easily in the past (2 months & 1 month) that I assumed it would happen quickly this time as well. It still may, 3 months is still early, and it may not! I just don’t like how business like it’s been so far and I want to avoid that. I believe that’s part of the reason I have gotten pregnant so easily in the past, because it wasn’t a huge deal! So, I’m going to take it down a few notches now and just enjoy the process while hoping for this best!

Whatever is meant to be will happen when the time is right!

Come on period!

Not something one would expect to hear while trying for a baby, I know, but I reaaaaally don’t think that I’m pregnant this month and I just want to get on to month 3! I’m on day 30 of a cycle that can range between 29 & 31, so it’ll be soon now, hopefully.

I tested again tonight, just in case, negative as I expected. And it sucks too, because even though it was expected, it’s still pretty disappointing. There’s always that little “maybe” hope. But anyway, I’m either not pregnant this month (most likely scenario), or I ovulated MUCH later than I thought. And I don’t even know when I ovulated this month, things have been a little crazy, probably due to me making them crazy with my own craziness!

So here’s the plan for cycle 3-

Number 1 and most important… CHILL OUT. Seriously. I’ve been stressing and obsessing far too much about this. But after a loss, it’s hard not to. I just really want to get this part over with so I can move on to the really worrisome part, 9 months of praying the little one will come out safe and sound! It’s really nerve-wracking, which I know is so not good for my body or spirit, so I’m going to try very hard this month and for however many months it may take this time to take it easy and not stress about it. That means more time focusing on my spiritual health, as well as physical. Mainly getting back on track with my yoga and exercise routine which I’ve been lagging on since moving. But not as strenuous as I had been doing over the past several months. Just enough to reap the health benefits and more importantly the stress reduction! Not so much to drop weight like I had been doing.
Some other things I’m adding this cycle-

Green tea and Fertilitea. Couldn’t hurt, right? I could use a boost in my fertile mucus, so I’ll be trying the teas along with carrot juice and I’m still debating on mucinex… But I’m not so sure about that yet. We’ll see.

Lots of baby dancing, of course. The fun part.

Good food, relaxation, hopefully some fun and I’ll go from there!

2 week wait version 2.0 ;)

So here we are, month 2 of officially trying to conceive, and my second 2 week wait. I didn’t get to post during last month’s 2ww as my computer died and I only just got a new one this week… but anyway, here I am :)

I could have sworn I caught the egg last month as I had breast tenderness (not a pms symptom for me but definitely a pregnancy symptom) and tingly, hot nipples… but nope! My reds found me, 2 days earlier than usual no less. Negative tests from about day 10 until after my period, which I continued to take just to be sure I wasn’t actually pregnant as the breast pain did not let up at all during af! And didn’t for another week or so!

My own personal theory on that is that the bit of milk that I STILL have from my last pregnancy is finally drying up and causing some symptoms, but I am also a little worried about some sort of hormonal imbalance. That would be just my luck. Periods you can set a clock by for the last year+ and no issues (that I know of anyway) and then once we really start TTC, things get wacky! *sigh* But I’m trying not to worry about it right now, and I’m staying hopeful. Oh yeah, and to add to the weirdness, I am pretty sure I ovulated on day 14 this month, which is early for me, so my cycle is obviously changing. Maybe because of changes in my exercise routine, or maybe something else. I don’t know.

Anyway, cycle weirdness aside, we still managed to baby dance on the right days, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

I really cannot wait to be pregnant! And I’m so curious to see when it happens for me, as it took 2 months with my son and 1 month with my little one we lost… I’m hoping soon of course :D

So we decided…

That we’re just going to jump in with both feet and see what happens, NOW! Well, in a couple of weeks! April's egg will be fair game :D

My Blood pressure has been pretty good at home, so I’m feeling good about that. I still have to talk to my midwife about it, but I’m not anticipating any issues.

The weight thing… Well, I’m still not entirely pleased with how much I weigh right now, but I’ve been losing, and continue to lose, and will do so until I get my BFP. I feel stronger and more fit, so, it’s not a huge issue for me anymore. I plan to stay active during pregnancy and of course eat as well as possible, so hopefully I’ll be able to stay fit! Then I’ll worry about losing the rest of the weight post baby. And of course I’ll have the breastfeeding metabolism to help, as long as I don’t waste it by stuffing my face like I did when my son was nursing! lol

I feel good now though, very optimistic! So, we’ll see what happens!

Wish me luck!!!

Should we? Or shouldn't we?

Throw out the condoms! That's the question of the day.

I’m on cycle day 3 right now… Ovulation is due around April 9. I am debating on whether or not to say screw it this cycle and let nature take her course. The original plan was June, and then it was May or June, and now I’m having a hard time waiting that long. I know, it’s only a couple of months, but that’s almost an eternity when you really want something! Something that is so close you can almost touch it!

So… should I? Or not? My heart is not telling me no, I have no negative feelings of doom and gloom (unless you count me not being entirely happy with my weight yet) it really feels right, but maybe that is just my impatience talking (ok, yelling... no...begging!!). I don't know.

Let me think a bit more :)

So I guess today officially marks day number 1...

on my road to TTC, since I saw my midwife and made it “official” that yes, I will be trying for a baby again at some point in the not so distant future.

I mean, yeah, I’ve been working on bettering myself mentally as well as physically for the past few months for a few reasons, the main one being for pregnancy, but now that I’ve had my “pre-conception” check and told my midwife that I’m intending to get pregnant again (Goddess willing!), it feels a lot more real.

The appointment was a good one. I felt a little guilty that I took up over an hour of my midwife’s time with all my questions and concerns, but I guess that’s what she is there for! And she is great! If she was irritated, she does a good job at hiding it :)

Medical stuff aside, it was a little weird being there. The last time I saw my midwife was at my 6 week postpartum check after losing the baby. Of course this visit was a lot more positive and hopeful, but still, a lot of memories came flooding back. I’m praying that my future visits there will be positive as well!

Now on to the medical- We went over all of the old test results from my loss again. There was a lot… blood sugar, thyroid, infectious diseases, blooding clotting issues, and so on… All normal, so it appears that I’m good to go on that front. The main issue as of now, which is not a surprise to me, is my blood pressure. I’ve had “white coat hypertension” since I was a teenager, and it can get high at home as well when I’m anxious and stressed out. It isn’t a huge issue right now, but we’re going to look into it some more before I get pregnant this time. So the plan there is to have me monitor at home for a bit, and then bring my results into the office. Also, next time I go in, I’ll bring my cuff and monitor so they can compare it to theirs.

Also, I’m to take another 24 hour urine collection (yay! Fun stuff :p) for a baseline number before I’m pregnant. We did this before I lost the baby last time, and that was normal, so we’ll see what it says this time. And then we go from there!

So while I wait for the all clear, I’m going to keep at my routine. Exercise (stationary bike, walking, strength training and yoga), stress reduction, meditation, reconnecting with my spiritual side, prenatal vitamins, probiotics, healthy diet, and optimism!

*crossing fingers* for smooth sailing from here!

Ok, so here we go!

The purpose of this new blog, besides being my little outlet on the web to ramble about whatever, will probably mostly end up being for…

Drum roll please…

My TTC and pregnancy journey!

It has been over a year since we lost our beautiful little one, http://siodhachan-silas.blogspot.com, and I am finally ready for the prospect of being pregnant again.


The grieving process took a long time. Despite feeling at peace with my loss right away, because I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that my pregnancy loss was necessary for my own personal growth, it took me a long time to get where I am now.

I felt so much anger towards certain people in my life for making things so difficult for me during my pregnancy, and then the subsequent bitterness towards those same people who made my loss seem like “no big deal” “it happens, get over it already!” I went back and forth for a long time on whether or not I even wanted to try again, EVER! And then during the times I felt like I did in fact want to try again, I still had so much bitterness and resentment that I could not possibly justify allowing an innocent being to be brought into my body with so much unresolved negativity. I just couldn’t, regardless of my own wants.

Anyway, back to now. I have finally let go of all of that! I’ve taken huge steps in getting my stress levels down, which is what I personally believed caused the death of my baby. Uncontrolled stress led to high blood pressure which led to… well, whatever was the exact cause of death, which we will never know for sure.

But, I’m feeling good now. Optimistic about things. Of course I still have what I think are “normal” concerns and worries. Is there something wrong with me that was missed? Will I be able to get pregnant easily again like the last 2 times? Then what? That sort of thing. But all in all, I have a good feeling, so I’m going to run with it. And whatever happens, happens! I’m prepared for the worst but hoping for the best, which is a healthy, happy baby (and mom!).

So when do I start?!?! :D

Well, first off I am seeing my midwife tomorrow. I’ll have my check up, ask my questions, and then I’ll go from there. If everything goes well, Goddess willing, then I’m hoping to stop using birth control (just condoms) as early as April!!

And until then, I’ll just continue doing what I’ve been doing. Eating as healthy as possible, taking my supplements, working out, walking, yoga, meditation, and just working hard at being happy, healthy and as stress free as possible!

Wish me luck! :)