Wowowowowwwwooowwww! lol

So I started a new blog just a few minutes ago... I thought maybe a fresh start to this journey would be nice. Then I decided to come back here and start again.

My posting here has been VERY sporadic over the past couple of years, but it contains so much of the journey that brought me here to this moment, and while some of it is very painful, I don't want to forgot how and why I am here.

My loss, my pain, my healing, my falling, my picking myself up again... over and over and over... and now FINALLY my success in getting to a place that I honestly thought I would never again arrive at. Will it last? Will the outcome be any different this time? I don't know. The future is always uncertain. But I feel good (even if that goodness is mixed with being pretty terrified as well!) and I am here, right now, and determined to enjoy it!!!

So WHAT am I even talking about here? LOL... well those who know me either already know, or have figured it out by now, but here it is... I will say it out loud (well, type it out loud? lol) I AM PREGNANT!!! @_@

Wow. So there it is.

Pregnant.

2 years of struggling with infertility after loss! And then to make it all the more incredible, I got pregnant during a month that I wanted to avoid!!! 1 time! The ONLY time in a month! A total OOPS "I don't think anything will happen anyway kind of moment." And here I am, 2 weeks later, with not one but two tests with VERY dark lines on them! BIG.FAT.POSITIVE. WOW.

So anyway :D I know it's very early, and the future is always uncertain, which is why I'm not going to bother waiting in telling people. I waited until I was "in the safe zone" to tell people about my daughter, and lost her at 17 weeks. I know all to well there is no safe zone! So I am just to going to embrace it, enjoying, bathe in all of the happiness that is NOW. This baby will know nothing but love from the start! <3

And of course I am hoping like crazy that December brings a healthy baby in arms, instead of a memory box and ashes last the December of 3 years ago! Please, oh Please let this rainbow stick!!!

Funny how something small can get you thinking big :)

So I just started reading this book, "Radical Acceptance", and I came upon this short passage that really spoke to me, so I figured I'd share :)

“In their book Stories of the Spirit, Jack Kornfield and Christina Feldman tell this story: A family went out to a restaurant for dinner. When the waitress arrived, the parent gave their orders. Immediately, the five-year-old daughter piped up with her own: ‘I’ll have a hot dog, french fries, and a Coke.’ ‘Oh no you won’t, interjected the dad and turning to the waitress he said, ‘She’ll have meat loaf, mashed potatoes, milk.’ Looking at the child with a smile, the waitress said, ‘So, hon, what do want on that hot dog?’ When she left, the family sat stunned and silent. A few moments later the little girl, eyes shining, said, ‘She thinks I’m real.’

"She thinks I'm real." That really touched me. A simple little story and an honest thought from a young child was enough to totally bring me down to reality again. A reminder of what's important to me when it comes to raising my son.

These past couple of years I've felt burdened under the weight of second guessing myself and wondering if I should be trying harder to raise my son in a way that is acceptable to society as a whole. Get him marching in line to the beat of everyone else's drummer so life will be easier for him... so he's not so different. :/ Not long ago I gagged at the thought of conformity, yet here I am getting older and finding myself fitting more and more into the mold than I'd like to and worst of all trying to squeeze my son in there with me.

This isn't where I want to be and it isn't where I belong! And it sure isn't what I want for my son! Of course I want life to be easy for him but life isn't always easy. It's hard to be yourself sometimes, but isn't that the most important thing after all?

I guess what it all comes down to in the end, is that all I want is for my son to be happy, and for him to feel like he is real. More than that, I want him to know that I “think he is real” no matter what he does in life.

Wow... It's been a while!

So, it’s been a few months since my last post! A lot has changed since summer. Mainly, I am no longer all-consumed with trying to get pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, having another baby is definitely a HUGE hope of mine, but the waiting, and if you want to get right down to it, obsessing, was leading me to a place where I don’t want to be! I just can’t put all of my energy into that right now; it’s not good for me. The disappointment just got to be too much to take, so I needed to break away from it all for a while. So rather than continuing that path, I’ve spent the past several months really putting myself out there into other ventures and finding more positive things to keep my mind occupied. It worked! I’m now pretty busy with other things, things I never imagined doing, and I’m feeling more and more fulfilled as time goes by.

There is a still an empty spot that I would love to be filled by a new little person, and I truly believe that it will happen when the time is right. I feel like baby is waiting for me to do take care of all the things that need to be taken care of before he/she makes an appearance, and I am content with that!

I'm hoping the coming new year continues to bring about more positive change in my life and I'll just keep on riding the waves :)

Making the most out of waiting

It’s been a little bit since I last posted a real entry. It’s funny too, if you look at my last entry about the puppy dream. The interpretation of that dream was as I took it was that basically my goal was going to take more time to develop. That is turning out to be true, so it seems.

Before I update on my fertility/TTC situation, let me also add this little goodie. I did my tarot cards the other night. Turned out to be a very interesting reading. Without going into every little detail, the reading basically said this- Cards that described disappointments in the past. Check. My current state regarding the situation was the hangman, which basically means that I am in suspended animation with little progress towards my goals. Check. First of the future was the Empress revered, which can mean difficulty with fertility and pregnancy. Check. That part came true just a few days later, which I will go into in just a minute. Back to the cards, not super positive yet. Buuuuut… the cards leading up to the outcome get better. I can’t remember the exact cards I got and I’m too lazy to find my tarot journal :p but they led me to believe that with some patience, hard work, and time that there would be reason to celebrate, especially in regards to child and pregnancy related situations. So, I’m hanging on to hope for the time being.

As for the fertility problems. My cycle has been getting more and more wacky over the last several months. I recently had some blood work done which came back with high prolactin, which could be causing the ovulation & luteal phase issues that I recently discovered I’m having. I have to go in for an MRI to check for a pituitary tumor that could be the cause of the elevated prolactin. So right now, I am definitely in suspended animation, just waiting to see what happens and what I need to do to get things in order so I can hopefully (Goddess willing) be able to conceive in the future. Hopefully the not too distant future.

I’m not going to waste this time though, however long it may be. I’m taking advantage of it to get myself as healthy as possible. Keeping up with exercise, yoga, meditation, my spiritual well being, and of course eating well. In fact, I just started the green smoothie challenge which you can find out about here.

Other than that, now I just wait and hope and pray!!

Vitamix Giveaway

Wow!!!

http://jessiehawkins.com/?p=89&cpage=44


My luck has been pretty "blah" lately, but I'm still going to keep my fingers crossed for this! How cool would it be to win a vitamix!

Puppies

I personally believe that a person’s dreams can offer a great deal of insight. I’ve always had very vivid, detailed dreams. I have many that I can remember on a nightly basis. Sometimes they seem random, sometimes I can find very obvious messages. Some stand out more than others, even if they don’t seem to make much sense at first thought.

One of the dreams I can remember from last night really stuck with me when I woke up this morning. Well, one particular part anyway.

I was at this place, which I am not even certain what kind of place, or why I was there… It wasn’t a home. There were many people there… Maybe it was a business of some sort. Anyway, I digress…So, the dream seemed to take place over several days. There was a man there that I seemed to know somehow, and day after day he brought in this litter of newborn puppies. They were white with black spots :) One day he brought them in and seemed distraught. Something about someone wanting to take the puppies away from him. He said something that stuck out to me… He said he would rather they all die than to have them be taken away :( I told him that I would take them and care for them, to which he seemed pleased. After that, my dream faded into something else entirely. I haven’t put it all together yet, but I’ll give it some more thought.
So, the puppies. The interpretation of a litter of puppies in a dream is-

Seeing a litter of newborn puppies in your dream, is indicative of the amount of time that an idea has been developing or will take to develop. Look to the number of puppies to give you that approximate amount of time.

Imagining the image of the puppies in my mind now, I would say there were 8-10.

To me, this dream seems pretty obvious. I’ve been considering just giving up on trying to have a baby. The man talking about the puppies dying feels like me wanting to give this whole thing up. Sometimes I feel like I’d rather choose to forget about having a baby, rather than trying and not being able to, like I fear could happen. I’d rather be the one to “let it die” than to have it taken from me. But in my dream, I offered to take the puppies and care for them, so I feel like I just need to give it more time and put more care into the whole process.

My seeds were planted when I decided to start on this path, now I just have to be patient and wait for germination. Just because I'm not seeing results yet, doesn't mean there isn't a whole lot of growth going on under then surface. I can't give up now.

Three of swords

It’s funny how 1 simple thing can bring upon major self reflection.

I dread reading my tarot cards lately because I take everything so negatively. I see something that’s less than positive and it’s immediate doom and gloom.

Despite trying so hard to stay positive and hopeful, my pessimism comes bubbling back up to the surface. I always drift back to the possibility that my heart will always be broken. I’ll never be fully healed. I’ll never have a chance to make things right. My heart will never heal, and my neither will my body. I’ll never be blessed with new life again. My dreams will go unfulfilled.
I hate thinking that way, but the fear is always there, hiding underneath the hope that I try so hard to keep alive. With every month that goes by without the life that I so desperately wish to create, the fear rears its ugly head again, and again, and again…

Back to the card. I got the three of swords in the outcome position. Of course I was hoping to see something positive in that spot, something that would tell me that my dreams will come true and there will joy and celebration, and when I see the three swords piercing the heart, my own heart sinks. It looks terrible at first glance, and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear right now after 3, going on 4 months of let down, but after really reflecting upon the meaning it becomes SO obvious that I can’t deny what it means for me, or that it could be, no, it IS, a very positive thing for me to realize.

One description-

The traditional keyword for this card is sorrow. A woman stands in the rain on a dark night, holding a red rose over her heart. A figure, illuminated by the lamplight, hurries out of her life. The three of swords symbolized great sorrow; it is usually rooted in the past and is not yet resolved. The red rose is symbolic of love; her sorrow has a strong emotional background. When the three of sword s appears in a spread, it is time to grieve and allow the rain to wash away the tears of yesterday. The rain is cleansing and offers renewal. The three of swords is a creative card in that is symbolizes the release the painful memories.

I thought I was ready. I thought I was healed enough to move forward with trying for a baby again, but the more I really look at things, the more I realize that maybe I still have some healing to do. Though I must say that I take comfort in the fact that the three of swords was the outcome. It tells me that I can heal from this.

I need to open myself back up. I was open, for a bit, but I think that the stress of wanting this to happen so badly has had the opposite effect that I wanted it to have and I've become closed off to any way but my own way.

I’m not sure what the next step is, but I have faith that it will come to me if I let go of my need to control this whole process and listen for the answers; watch for a sign... Just be, and wait for this all to unfold the way it's supposed to.

Allowing things to just be can be so hard, but I know that it is the right path for me to take right now.