Hope, healing & baby things.

I went out shopping today with my husband and son and ended up buying this adorable little stuffed elephant. Right when I saw it called out to me and I felt like I just had to get it for “the baby.” The baby that may not even be in me yet, though I’m hoping like crazy that he/she is! Getting ready to burrow on in and stay for 9 months :) Anyway, so we bought the elephant and put “To: Baby L to-be, From: Mama & Daddy”. It’s a sweet gesture of hope and a HUGE step for me in terms of my feelings and instincts and being able to heal from losing our daughter.

With my last pregnancy, our Daughter that we lost, I NEVER felt right about things at all. I didn’t feel right when we were trying, and getting my positive didn’t change any of my negative feelings. Of course I wanted the baby like crazy, but I never thought she was meant to be, yet I still couldn’t not try for her, for some reason. Well, I take that back… she was meant to be, just not meant to stay. I always knew that. All conversations regarding the baby were “if things work out and we have the baby, we’ll do this”… things like that. And buying baby things? Forget it! I started buying baby things for my son pretty much the day I found out I was pregnant! I had no negative feelings, no fear beyond first time pregnancy/baby concerns, I just knew it was right and couldn’t wait to buy things! But last time, I couldn’t bring myself to bond with the baby by getting excited and thinking ahead, as I know it just wasn’t going to happen, unfortunately :(

So that brings me back to the elephant. I saw it, felt like I needed it for my “baby to be” and I got it without hesitation or “what if?” thoughts… It just feels right! I mean, I still have fears… Will I be able to get pregnant again at all? Carry to term? I can’t help but feel that way to an extent, not just because I’ve lost a baby, but because I think ALL women have some at least some worries about something so huge. But beyond that, I just feel really good and positive and I can feel that there is this new life just waiting to join us, and soon hopefully! We're ready whenever you are! :)

6? 5? 4? 3? 2? 1 days past ovulation? 0? !!!

So I’m on day 21 of my cycle, ??? DPO… I really don’t have a clue. I ovulated somewhere between the 6th to now? If at all? I don’t know! lol I’ve been sick, and my body seemed to keep changing its mind, so I’m kind of in the fog. I don’t temp, though it would have been pointless this month anyway (sick, fever…) and I don’t pee on sticks unless I think I may be pregnant :p So who knows? I honestly don’t even care much either. I.am.just.zen :D Taking it one day at a time, and if I start then I start and if I don’t, then woohoo! :) Of course I’m hoping like crazy for the latter, but I realize that driving myself insane waiting is not going to do me any good.

This month would be awesome though, for many reasons. Lots of 3s (my number :)) not to mention it’d be a great father’s day gift to DH! :) And then this-

*copied from my MDC post because I’m too lazy to type it again ;p

Super strange dream

So I had the oddest dream last night. I hesitate to even post it, because if it is just some silly, random brain concoction then I’ll feel pretty *insert embarrassed smilie here* if/when AF shows... but whatever! It made me feel happy and hopeful and there's nothing wrong with that, right?

Anyway, I was a private investigator in some other galaxy lol I know, right? And this group of human-like aliens hired me to solve some mystery/crime that happened. They already had a suspect, so I went to question her. When I got there, she put her hand on my forehead and DH was suddenly there. She said "he doesn't know about the baby yet, does he?" I said "neither do I, it's too early to know" and she said "well, you are pregnant, and it's a boy, he is in there now". And I was just flooded with happiness... and I didn't question her about the crime! lol...

Super weird, right? I haven't really had any pregnancy related dreams for a while, so I woke up feeling pretty neat. If I really do turn out to be pregnant this month, that dream will end up being pretty awesome!

As a funny side note, when I told DH, he said maybe the aliens who gave me DS are just letting me know that they've given me another one DS thinks he's from another planet :P

I usually pay pretty close attention to my dreams, and I’m pretty hopeful about this particular one, but trying not to be *too* hopeful, just in case it’s totally random brain craziness.

Oh yeah, and like a couple of the ladies on there said in response, it'll make for a really neat "I first knew I was pregnant" entry in a baby book if I am indeed pregnant! Totally true! lol

Hello June!

Not much to say today, just that I am happy May is over! I’m entering month 3 of TTC with a totally new, RELAXED attitude. Things turned too business like for me last month and that is soooo far from how I want things, so I’m just chilling out a bit now. I just want to enjoy my husband and be connected with him, no stress, no pressure. When we conceive it will be out of our love, not out of any craziness.

*still keeping fingers crossed though* :)

Month 3, day 1

AF graced me with her presence today and while I’m slightly bummed that I’m not pregnant this month, I’m also pretty relieved. I’ve been stressing out way too much over getting pregnant quickly and I just really don’t want things to be so pressured. I don’t want to conceive a life in a situation that’s so unpeaceful or negative in any way! This is supposed to be a labor of love, not stress! But I guess that because I’ve gotten pregnant SO easily in the past (2 months & 1 month) that I assumed it would happen quickly this time as well. It still may, 3 months is still early, and it may not! I just don’t like how business like it’s been so far and I want to avoid that. I believe that’s part of the reason I have gotten pregnant so easily in the past, because it wasn’t a huge deal! So, I’m going to take it down a few notches now and just enjoy the process while hoping for this best!

Whatever is meant to be will happen when the time is right!

Come on period!

Not something one would expect to hear while trying for a baby, I know, but I reaaaaally don’t think that I’m pregnant this month and I just want to get on to month 3! I’m on day 30 of a cycle that can range between 29 & 31, so it’ll be soon now, hopefully.

I tested again tonight, just in case, negative as I expected. And it sucks too, because even though it was expected, it’s still pretty disappointing. There’s always that little “maybe” hope. But anyway, I’m either not pregnant this month (most likely scenario), or I ovulated MUCH later than I thought. And I don’t even know when I ovulated this month, things have been a little crazy, probably due to me making them crazy with my own craziness!

So here’s the plan for cycle 3-

Number 1 and most important… CHILL OUT. Seriously. I’ve been stressing and obsessing far too much about this. But after a loss, it’s hard not to. I just really want to get this part over with so I can move on to the really worrisome part, 9 months of praying the little one will come out safe and sound! It’s really nerve-wracking, which I know is so not good for my body or spirit, so I’m going to try very hard this month and for however many months it may take this time to take it easy and not stress about it. That means more time focusing on my spiritual health, as well as physical. Mainly getting back on track with my yoga and exercise routine which I’ve been lagging on since moving. But not as strenuous as I had been doing over the past several months. Just enough to reap the health benefits and more importantly the stress reduction! Not so much to drop weight like I had been doing.
Some other things I’m adding this cycle-

Green tea and Fertilitea. Couldn’t hurt, right? I could use a boost in my fertile mucus, so I’ll be trying the teas along with carrot juice and I’m still debating on mucinex… But I’m not so sure about that yet. We’ll see.

Lots of baby dancing, of course. The fun part.

Good food, relaxation, hopefully some fun and I’ll go from there!

More weirdness...and waiting...

10 days dpo. Or maybe 4??? I’m so confused lately with my cycle lately!

Let’s see. I had light pink spotting on cycle day 13 with EWCM until the 14. So I am assuming that I ovulated on day 14. I could be totally wrong though, my cycle is a little wacky as of last month. Getting shorter, new PMS symptoms, things like that… I think my lack of the more strenuous exercise that I had been doing is changing things up… But anyway, we baby danced on the right days, even though I wasn’t expecting ovulation until closer to day 16 or 17. Whatever. Then, on day 21 I woke up with menstrual like cramps, not one sided like my normal ovulation type pain, so immediately I got excited about the possibly of implantation! But I also had EWCM ??? So I didn’t entirely count out late ovulation.

Then I wait…. And wait. And now here I am, possibly at 10dpo. I couldn’t resist testing so I did this morning with FMU. BFN :( It’s still early, I know, so I’m not out yet… and I could have my dates all wrong anyway. I usually have a 31 day cycle, so I’d be way early for that. But I had a 29 day cycle last month, so I don’t know how things are going to go. I’ve been crampy on and off since the cramping on day 21 though… I feel like my reds will be here any moment, which is so early for me to feel this way! Typically I don’t start cramping until EXACTLY the day before AF is due, but with all the other cycle changes, I’m not counting on my usual symptoms right now to tell me anything!

I’m not all that hopeful at the moment but then again, with my last two pregnancies I didn’t feel very hopeful either that I was actually pregnant! lol

We’ll see soon enough I guess!

2 week wait version 2.0 ;)

So here we are, month 2 of officially trying to conceive, and my second 2 week wait. I didn’t get to post during last month’s 2ww as my computer died and I only just got a new one this week… but anyway, here I am :)

I could have sworn I caught the egg last month as I had breast tenderness (not a pms symptom for me but definitely a pregnancy symptom) and tingly, hot nipples… but nope! My reds found me, 2 days earlier than usual no less. Negative tests from about day 10 until after my period, which I continued to take just to be sure I wasn’t actually pregnant as the breast pain did not let up at all during af! And didn’t for another week or so!

My own personal theory on that is that the bit of milk that I STILL have from my last pregnancy is finally drying up and causing some symptoms, but I am also a little worried about some sort of hormonal imbalance. That would be just my luck. Periods you can set a clock by for the last year+ and no issues (that I know of anyway) and then once we really start TTC, things get wacky! *sigh* But I’m trying not to worry about it right now, and I’m staying hopeful. Oh yeah, and to add to the weirdness, I am pretty sure I ovulated on day 14 this month, which is early for me, so my cycle is obviously changing. Maybe because of changes in my exercise routine, or maybe something else. I don’t know.

Anyway, cycle weirdness aside, we still managed to baby dance on the right days, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

I really cannot wait to be pregnant! And I’m so curious to see when it happens for me, as it took 2 months with my son and 1 month with my little one we lost… I’m hoping soon of course :D