Puppies

I personally believe that a person’s dreams can offer a great deal of insight. I’ve always had very vivid, detailed dreams. I have many that I can remember on a nightly basis. Sometimes they seem random, sometimes I can find very obvious messages. Some stand out more than others, even if they don’t seem to make much sense at first thought.

One of the dreams I can remember from last night really stuck with me when I woke up this morning. Well, one particular part anyway.

I was at this place, which I am not even certain what kind of place, or why I was there… It wasn’t a home. There were many people there… Maybe it was a business of some sort. Anyway, I digress…So, the dream seemed to take place over several days. There was a man there that I seemed to know somehow, and day after day he brought in this litter of newborn puppies. They were white with black spots :) One day he brought them in and seemed distraught. Something about someone wanting to take the puppies away from him. He said something that stuck out to me… He said he would rather they all die than to have them be taken away :( I told him that I would take them and care for them, to which he seemed pleased. After that, my dream faded into something else entirely. I haven’t put it all together yet, but I’ll give it some more thought.
So, the puppies. The interpretation of a litter of puppies in a dream is-

Seeing a litter of newborn puppies in your dream, is indicative of the amount of time that an idea has been developing or will take to develop. Look to the number of puppies to give you that approximate amount of time.

Imagining the image of the puppies in my mind now, I would say there were 8-10.

To me, this dream seems pretty obvious. I’ve been considering just giving up on trying to have a baby. The man talking about the puppies dying feels like me wanting to give this whole thing up. Sometimes I feel like I’d rather choose to forget about having a baby, rather than trying and not being able to, like I fear could happen. I’d rather be the one to “let it die” than to have it taken from me. But in my dream, I offered to take the puppies and care for them, so I feel like I just need to give it more time and put more care into the whole process.

My seeds were planted when I decided to start on this path, now I just have to be patient and wait for germination. Just because I'm not seeing results yet, doesn't mean there isn't a whole lot of growth going on under then surface. I can't give up now.

Three of swords

It’s funny how 1 simple thing can bring upon major self reflection.

I dread reading my tarot cards lately because I take everything so negatively. I see something that’s less than positive and it’s immediate doom and gloom.

Despite trying so hard to stay positive and hopeful, my pessimism comes bubbling back up to the surface. I always drift back to the possibility that my heart will always be broken. I’ll never be fully healed. I’ll never have a chance to make things right. My heart will never heal, and my neither will my body. I’ll never be blessed with new life again. My dreams will go unfulfilled.
I hate thinking that way, but the fear is always there, hiding underneath the hope that I try so hard to keep alive. With every month that goes by without the life that I so desperately wish to create, the fear rears its ugly head again, and again, and again…

Back to the card. I got the three of swords in the outcome position. Of course I was hoping to see something positive in that spot, something that would tell me that my dreams will come true and there will joy and celebration, and when I see the three swords piercing the heart, my own heart sinks. It looks terrible at first glance, and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear right now after 3, going on 4 months of let down, but after really reflecting upon the meaning it becomes SO obvious that I can’t deny what it means for me, or that it could be, no, it IS, a very positive thing for me to realize.

One description-

The traditional keyword for this card is sorrow. A woman stands in the rain on a dark night, holding a red rose over her heart. A figure, illuminated by the lamplight, hurries out of her life. The three of swords symbolized great sorrow; it is usually rooted in the past and is not yet resolved. The red rose is symbolic of love; her sorrow has a strong emotional background. When the three of sword s appears in a spread, it is time to grieve and allow the rain to wash away the tears of yesterday. The rain is cleansing and offers renewal. The three of swords is a creative card in that is symbolizes the release the painful memories.

I thought I was ready. I thought I was healed enough to move forward with trying for a baby again, but the more I really look at things, the more I realize that maybe I still have some healing to do. Though I must say that I take comfort in the fact that the three of swords was the outcome. It tells me that I can heal from this.

I need to open myself back up. I was open, for a bit, but I think that the stress of wanting this to happen so badly has had the opposite effect that I wanted it to have and I've become closed off to any way but my own way.

I’m not sure what the next step is, but I have faith that it will come to me if I let go of my need to control this whole process and listen for the answers; watch for a sign... Just be, and wait for this all to unfold the way it's supposed to.

Allowing things to just be can be so hard, but I know that it is the right path for me to take right now.

I <3 cod liver oil!

I’ve been taking cod liver oil for a few weeks now and I am absolutely in love with the stuff! Seriously. I feel GREAT! I had absolutely NO PMS this month. No usual skin freak out, no cramps, no breast pain, no moodiness, no crying over a dog food commercial, lol. And I feel really good mentally, outside of PMS stuff. I often feel quite down in the dumps & anxious, so this is a nice change.

I had been taking an Omega 3-6-9, which was good, I noticed a difference, but nothing as dramatic and fast acting as the CLO. This is totally my new favorite supplement! Love it!

Try, fail, repeat

My period started. I was very hopeful this month, then she came, but that doesn’t mean my hope is gone. I’m not going to see the arrival of my reds as a disappointment but rather a new beginning. That’s all a women’s period is anyway, a fresh start of a new cycle that brings the possibility of life! Try, fail repeat, until we don’t fail! I have faith that there is a plan and it will work out the way it’s meant to when the time is right. I’m trying my best to be patient while it all unfolds.

Other than that, I’m going to try to expand my horizons a bit here. In life, on this blog, all around.

This trying to conceive business has become almost all consuming. I feel like I’m putting FAR too much of my energy into it and it’s draining me. I need to start thinking outside of that box. Instead of TTC being central to everything else, it needs to be one small part. So this month I’m going to get back on track with my life, my WHOLE life, not just the obsession (and yes, that’s what I feel it’s become) of creating new life. This means focusing more on the things that I’ve allowed to fall into the background.

My spirituality, first and foremost. For me, it makes no sense to go into something as huge as trying to create new life without spiritual support, so I need to make more time for that.
Meditation, yoga, exercise, being more creative… Those are the main things that have been lacking in my life; the very things that feel my soul and relieve the stress of life!

So starting this very moment, my energy is going to be put into more positive, enriching endeavors. I am still very much invested in getting pregnant, but I need to make it a more positive experience and let go of the pressure.

Hope, healing & baby things.

I went out shopping today with my husband and son and ended up buying this adorable little stuffed elephant. Right when I saw it called out to me and I felt like I just had to get it for “the baby.” The baby that may not even be in me yet, though I’m hoping like crazy that he/she is! Getting ready to burrow on in and stay for 9 months :) Anyway, so we bought the elephant and put “To: Baby L to-be, From: Mama & Daddy”. It’s a sweet gesture of hope and a HUGE step for me in terms of my feelings and instincts and being able to heal from losing our daughter.

With my last pregnancy, our Daughter that we lost, I NEVER felt right about things at all. I didn’t feel right when we were trying, and getting my positive didn’t change any of my negative feelings. Of course I wanted the baby like crazy, but I never thought she was meant to be, yet I still couldn’t not try for her, for some reason. Well, I take that back… she was meant to be, just not meant to stay. I always knew that. All conversations regarding the baby were “if things work out and we have the baby, we’ll do this”… things like that. And buying baby things? Forget it! I started buying baby things for my son pretty much the day I found out I was pregnant! I had no negative feelings, no fear beyond first time pregnancy/baby concerns, I just knew it was right and couldn’t wait to buy things! But last time, I couldn’t bring myself to bond with the baby by getting excited and thinking ahead, as I know it just wasn’t going to happen, unfortunately :(

So that brings me back to the elephant. I saw it, felt like I needed it for my “baby to be” and I got it without hesitation or “what if?” thoughts… It just feels right! I mean, I still have fears… Will I be able to get pregnant again at all? Carry to term? I can’t help but feel that way to an extent, not just because I’ve lost a baby, but because I think ALL women have some at least some worries about something so huge. But beyond that, I just feel really good and positive and I can feel that there is this new life just waiting to join us, and soon hopefully! We're ready whenever you are! :)

6? 5? 4? 3? 2? 1 days past ovulation? 0? !!!

So I’m on day 21 of my cycle, ??? DPO… I really don’t have a clue. I ovulated somewhere between the 6th to now? If at all? I don’t know! lol I’ve been sick, and my body seemed to keep changing its mind, so I’m kind of in the fog. I don’t temp, though it would have been pointless this month anyway (sick, fever…) and I don’t pee on sticks unless I think I may be pregnant :p So who knows? I honestly don’t even care much either. I.am.just.zen :D Taking it one day at a time, and if I start then I start and if I don’t, then woohoo! :) Of course I’m hoping like crazy for the latter, but I realize that driving myself insane waiting is not going to do me any good.

This month would be awesome though, for many reasons. Lots of 3s (my number :)) not to mention it’d be a great father’s day gift to DH! :) And then this-

*copied from my MDC post because I’m too lazy to type it again ;p

Super strange dream

So I had the oddest dream last night. I hesitate to even post it, because if it is just some silly, random brain concoction then I’ll feel pretty *insert embarrassed smilie here* if/when AF shows... but whatever! It made me feel happy and hopeful and there's nothing wrong with that, right?

Anyway, I was a private investigator in some other galaxy lol I know, right? And this group of human-like aliens hired me to solve some mystery/crime that happened. They already had a suspect, so I went to question her. When I got there, she put her hand on my forehead and DH was suddenly there. She said "he doesn't know about the baby yet, does he?" I said "neither do I, it's too early to know" and she said "well, you are pregnant, and it's a boy, he is in there now". And I was just flooded with happiness... and I didn't question her about the crime! lol...

Super weird, right? I haven't really had any pregnancy related dreams for a while, so I woke up feeling pretty neat. If I really do turn out to be pregnant this month, that dream will end up being pretty awesome!

As a funny side note, when I told DH, he said maybe the aliens who gave me DS are just letting me know that they've given me another one DS thinks he's from another planet :P

I usually pay pretty close attention to my dreams, and I’m pretty hopeful about this particular one, but trying not to be *too* hopeful, just in case it’s totally random brain craziness.

Oh yeah, and like a couple of the ladies on there said in response, it'll make for a really neat "I first knew I was pregnant" entry in a baby book if I am indeed pregnant! Totally true! lol

Hello June!

Not much to say today, just that I am happy May is over! I’m entering month 3 of TTC with a totally new, RELAXED attitude. Things turned too business like for me last month and that is soooo far from how I want things, so I’m just chilling out a bit now. I just want to enjoy my husband and be connected with him, no stress, no pressure. When we conceive it will be out of our love, not out of any craziness.

*still keeping fingers crossed though* :)